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About Traditional Art / Hobbyist Tori Kisara KaibaFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 7 Years
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It's been a while...

Journal Entry: Sun Mar 10, 2013, 6:32 AM

Hello to all my watchers and sorry for the inactivity.  I'm in a bind as of late... So much to do, so many uncertainties... So much frustration along the way... I'm back in school, but having issues with that... I ended up having to drop out of Student Teaching due to health concerns.  I found out my thyroid was low and am now on thyroid medications.  On top of that my immune system is crap.

Anyway, as I said, I'm back in and trying to finish my methods classes, but due to my drop last year, I'm in financial trouble and trying to find a way to pay off my debt for that last semester.  Until I do, I can't be really registered for this semester and my efforts aren't going well at getting it paid off.

On top of that, I'm supposed to get married in July, but that's slowly falling through.  My fiance's car broke down and he either needs to pay for parts or somehow pay for a new one on top of dealing with my college expenses.  So that's wedding expenses, car expenses, college expenses, and of course normal everyday expenses.  It's not good... Something has got to give.

Personally, I think the wedding should be put off until next summer, but I know my fiance doesn't want to wait much longer.  That or I give up on this semester, but that'll piss people off too, so I don't know what to do.

I'm also having my doubts about my career choice after my Student Teaching fell through.  I'm not sure I can be a teacher anymore.  A teacher's aide, sure, but a teacher?  With my health?  I get the feeling no amount of vitamins and OJ (which I can't drink anyway due to not being able to tolerate acid) will keep me from getting sick around kids.  I should have had my tonsils out when I was a kid and I didn't so now it's biting me in the ass pretty badly unfortunately.

Maybe I'm just being a pessimist about it, which I hate being, I dunno.  That or I'm just paranoid.  Though I'm starting to think about pursuing a career in social work.  I dunno though... I do very much want to work with children, but at this point, I'm not sure if I can, save my own when I have kids...

Anyways, back to the money issues.  We don't have the money for everything...  I really don't know what do...and then there's one other issue with the wedding.  I'm not so sure I can go through with it...

You see, I've brought up a certain Canadian in the past...  A certain Canadian whom I'm still very much in love with... Sure he's younger than me, but we have so much in common... We both want very much to meet and to try to be together.  My fiance knows about us and tolerates my feeling for the Canadian, but... It's hard...  My Canadian is so far away and we're not sure how we're going to be together, but we do love each other.

I'm not sure I can marry my fiance while I'm still in love with my Canadian... I love them both and I don't want to hurt either of them.  My fiance and I have our issues.  He has a bad temper, likes to harp on me for things repeatedly, and I know he doesn't mean to, but he talks down to me with this condescending tone as if he's the adult and I'm a child that doesn't know any better.

I don't know how compatible we are.  I have my doubts.  It seems like we can be together for a while, but after a time we get sick of each other and need some time apart... He can also be pretty clingy and even though I'm usually pretty clingy to those I'm close to, I'm not so much with him.

Another thing I don't like is he seems to bring up being anxious for the wedding more often when he's horny.  He also complains that I don't do enough for him to keep him satisfied.  We aren't... You know... We don't go there.  I believe in waiting for marriage, but he wants to push me for things I'm not ready for.

I grew up in an all female household.  My dad was an alcoholic who wasn't really around much.  It was me, my mom, and my grandmother.  The only guys I was close to were my uncles and my male cousins.  Other than that, I wasn't exposed to males much.  I didn't date in high school either because well... Guys tend not to be interested in the skinny, small breasted weirdos.

I dated in college, but never really got that serious, not going much beyond kissing and cuddling.  I never found a guy I really connected with until my fiance came along.  It took a while for the connection to develop and I still don't feel truly connected with him.  There's too many quirks that keep us from developing the closeness we should have.  Sometimes I feel forced to be with him.

I don't feel a strong sexual connection to him.  I've tried to, but with his pushiness and insistence on a more sexual relationship, I don't know... He's not a virgin, I am... That's probably part of it...  Though there are times when I feel like he's pushing the marriage so he'll be free to screw me...

I could live with us just being friends, but he can't.  He'll leave and go back to Colorado if I call it off and I'll be alone...again...  I feel like he's the only friend I have since I don't really have anyone else I really hang out with or do anything with around here...  I'm just not sure if...marrying him is the right thing to do... I'm not sure if it'd work out...  I don't want to marry anyone if I have doubts about us... There should be no doubts in your mind when you marry someone...

And then there's my Canadian... I'd really love a chance at being with him and seeing what it's like.  I just don't know what do to... I don't know if I'll ever get that chance.... So yea, there's my big long explanation and bitch session...

Money is spread very very thing at this point, things might fall apart, I don't know what to do, I have my doubts about both my relationship and my career path...  Yea, my life is great right now...

I've always wanted to be a teacher, a wife, and a mother...  Now I'm not sure...  I could stand just being a teacher's aid or a substitute and I'm still considering social work...  As far as being a wife and a mother... I don't know...

Should I marry my fiance even though I have my doubts about it even working out and my feelings for another man?  I feel like I might be a fool if I let my fiance go since he's the closest I've ever been to having a husband and I'm afraid if I let this pass, I may regret it later... Yet, if it doesn't work out, if my doubts and fears are real, I'll kick myself for not listening to them...  I just don't know...  I'm just so scared of being alone and feeling isolated again...

I want my Canadian to sweep in and save me, but I'm not holding my breath there.  He's busy finishing up college and well...he's Canadian, I'm American...

Right now, I just... I just don't know what to do... My world is spinning and falling apart slowly... Do I ignore my feelings and go with what's right in front me, here and now?  Do I try to just be friends with my Canadian, marry my fiance, and try to make it work?  I dont' even know if my fiance and I can live together for very long...

Should I go with what I've got and settle for things as they are?  Should I try to be satisfied with what I have?  The spark just doesn't seem to be there for me...  Is it because I'm in love with my Canadian?  I don't know...

I wouldn't mind another year to think about things, but we've been trying to get things planned out for almost three years now.  My fiance lost his old job and had to find another one, I haven't been ready, we've had our fights...  He doesn't want to hold off the wedding any longer...

I'm trying to accept it all... I really am... Something about it just doesn't seem right.  Maybe I'm paranoid, maybe I'm nervous, maybe it's just pre-wedding jitters, but this doesn't feel right to me.  Isn't the bride supposed to be excited?  Isn't she supposed to be happy to plan her wedding, not scared and uncertain?  I just have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I can't shake, a feeling that I could be making a mistake by going through with it.

I always though when I found the right guy, he'd be like a member of the family.  I would be glad to have him around my family, happy to be around him and have him near me.  That'd I'd be excited to get married.  I'd be picking out dresses and rings and looking for bridesmaids.  This isn't at all what I expected.

I can't get into the wedding vibe at all... I have too many doubts lingering in the back of my mind...  And with the financial problems, I dunno...  I just want it all to go away... I want to be the happy, excited bride, but this isn't what I'd hoped... I keep thinking it'd be different if were my Canadian, but I don't know... I really don't...

I just want to finish school, get a good job, get married, and have kids.  Right now, I have no idea if I'll be able to finish school, I'm still considering changing my major instead of finishing my Education degree (I already have AAs in Elementary Education and Liberal Arts), I'm not feeling right about my upcoming wedding (something is wrong when you don't want to think about it or even try to start the planning).  I don't have a car and my fiance's car is broke down. What's a girl to do?

Maybe things well get better soon.  I'll keep plugging along.  On Monday I'll resume working on getting things straightened out with my school and see if I can get crap paid off.  I'll try to get more upbeat about the wedding, but I don't know if I can...  Maybe I should just shake things off and try to be happy... Maybe actually starting the planning will help me feel better, but I doubt it...

If anyone that reads this has any suggestions, please let me know...  I'd be grateful for any insight anyone has...  I feel like I'm going crazy and I'd like to know that I'm not...that I have some support in this mess...

At least I feel better having gotten all this off my chest...  Thanks for listening.  I hope things turn around soon.  My Canadian is one of my watchers so I know he'll see this.  I want to say, I love you, Sugarbear, and thank you for putting up with me and all my crap.  I know I've got you by my side no matter what happens.

Enough talk, gonna... I dunno, play games, watch videos, maybe battle on Neopets until I'm actually tired enough to go to bed.  Lata watchers and thanks for putting up with my big bitch session.

Her majesty,
~The Queen

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KennethKun Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for the fav! :)
almaanderson9 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
thanks for the fav
AbigailRoseArt Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for the fav on missing maman!~ Did you love jessie too?
QueenofKaibasHeart Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I didn't know her, but my thoughts and prayers are with her and those her knew her. I'm sure she was a wonderful girl.
LazyLuLu22 Featured By Owner May 6, 2012
hey there!!
SpoonfulofLead Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Shoot this arrow▬▬▬► to 10 people you're glad you met. . . If you get 5 back you have a ~ BIG HEART.. 10xxxx
KaibaBromantic Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2011
:iconsetokaiba1plz::iconsetokaiba4plz::iconsaysplz: We love you
SpoonfulofLead Featured By Owner May 7, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
[link] She's ready! :D
SpoonfulofLead Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
[link] She's done. :D
SpoonfulofLead Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
[link] to your FINALLY, finished present. :D

Again, sorry it took so long.... :D
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